Children all over the UK are weeping inconsolably after Yell announced Kirk, it's corporate propaganda tool, has died. Yell has confirmed the woodland minibeast will not be replaced.

According to Yell's press release Kirk peacefully passed away while the company re-aligned its corporate responsibility programme with its changing business requirements [ Link removed as the press release has been removed, JB ]. However, there are accusations Kirk died because the sustainably managed tree plantation in which he lived didn't have enough ecologic value for any woodland minibeast to survive. Other experts believe Kirk's diet, which consisted of unwanted Yellow Pages directories, has contributed to his early death.

Depression

It's believed Yell's former Environment and Sustainability Manager, Adam Billiald BSc MSc, left the company earlier this month because a proposal to re-house Kirk in a forest was rejected [ Link to an article on the Say No To Phone Books website removed as the website no longer exists, JB ]. A former colleague told us Mr Billiald BSc MSc could no longer bear Kirk was becoming increasingly depressed:

Mr Billiald BSc MSc felt he had failed to give Kirk a stimulating environment. Woodland minibeasts often find it difficult to adapt to living in a monoculture tree plantation, and this was certainly the case with Kirk. At first Mr Billiald BSc MSc saw this as merely a potential PR disaster; at times Kirk looked so miserable that we had to cancel visits to schools. However, as Kirk's depression got worse Mr Billiald BSc MSc feared he might take his own life.

A suggestion by Mr Billiald BSc MSc to move Kirk to a proper forest was rejected by the Board. 'Tree plantations are the future', they said. The same day Mr Billiald BSc MSc handed in his notice. I think, in his own way, he felt like a father for Kirk.

Oak leafs and butterflies

Other theories about Kirk's death are more critical of Mr Billiald BSc MSc. These theories are mostly based on two written statements made by Kirk, both of which appeared on colouring activities. On the first Kirk hinted that oak leaves were his favourite food, on the second that woodlands are very important for trees and animals. The second colouring activity shows a picture of a butterfly, to which Kirk refers as my friend.

Critics argue the statements might not be as innocent as they seem. A campaigner for The Woodland Minibeast Protection Society, whose identity we cannot reveal, sees them as irrefutable evidence that Yell has contributed to Kirk's death:

As for Kirk's statement about oak trees; it's a well-known fact that there are no such trees on Yell's tree plantations. Growing oak trees was considered unsustainable. Economically unsustainable, that is.

When Kirk started talking about woodlands and butterflies it became clear that Kirk was becoming increasingly delusional. I mean, he had never seen a woodland or butterfly. He lived in a tree plantation; an environment where there wasn't any nature. Yell should have intervened, but sadly Kirk's manager, Mr Billiald BSc MSc, was too busy writing Governance and Responsibility reports.

Cry for help

Another theory is that Kirk didn't suffer a mental breakdown at all and had instead discovered there are such things as oak leafs, woodlands and butterflies. This theory might explain why Mr Billiald BSc MSc decided to clip Kirk's tongue after he started uttering the words 'opt out' in 2008. A member of the Official Kirk the Woodland Minibeast Facebook Fan Club Like Page said she sees Kirk's statements as a cry for help:

From his conversations with children Kirk might have learned that many of them don't take any interest in the Yellow Pages directory, and that most children were of the opinion that encouraging people to opt out would be much better for the environment than just recycling books. Kirk was a soft character, and I think he may have agreed with what children told him.

Of course this was a mistake. His job was to prevent children from developing negative perceptions about the Yellow Pages. Headmasters around the country invited him to teach children that creating lots of unwanted waste is perfectly alright, as long as you recycle all the rubbish afterwards. The tragedy is that Kirk increasingly doubted he was doing the right thing. After his tongue was cut he tried to express his views via carefully crafted statements on colouring activities. It was a cry for help really.

Diet

Other experts believe Kirk died simply because his diet consisted of unwanted Yellow Pages directories. As one expert explained:

Characters such as Kirk can live for a very long time. Ronald McDonald is nearly 50, and he lives of a diet I wouldn't recommend to anyone. That Kirk died before he reached his teens shows just how bad Yellow Pages directories are for you. They should be printing warning messages on them.